The Pooper

I’ll never forget this experience, neither will you. So turn back now if you’d rather not know!

I was working the late shift and had about an hour to go before the end of my shift. So I decided to sit in the toilet cubicle playing games on my phone for a half-hour or so. The great thing about working in a large store is that you can get away with this quite easily by claiming you were working out the back or something.

But there is one major downside to spending an extended amount of time in the toilets – there are two other cubicles on either side of you and at any moment they can become occupied. And let’s just say that the sound of another human unloading their guts a few inches away from you is a sure-fire way to disturb your peace – which is exactly what happened that night.

There I was, sitting in silence as I heard the door next to mine slam shut, followed by the furious scraping of toilet roll to create a fireman’s blanket and the sound of a belt buckle opening. What follows is an eternity of silence where you hold your breath, knowing that the person next door is doing exactly the same thing.

Then it happens. A sudden explosion of bum chunder echoes around the room like a shotgun blast. The dude unloads what I can only presume is a week’s worth of excrement, pausing every few seconds to grunt and thrash around like a woman in labour. Meanwhile, I’m just sitting there with my face eyes and mouth clamped shut, knowing that at any moment the stench is gonna slide under the door like the Smoke Monster from lost and murder my nostrils.

If you think that’s the worst of it, then you’re wrong…

Usually, I would just wait until the person is done. There’s just too great a risk of them finishing up in the time it takes me to wash my hands and leave. And the last thing I want to know is the identity of the person who just hotboxed me with their bowels. Also, I’m not ashamed to admit that sitting in the stench of human crap is usually preferable to returning to the shop floor and performing my actual duties.

On this occasion though, I could literally feel my nostril hairs turning grey from the stench. I had to get out of there as fast as possible.

So, after mapping my escape in my mind, I quickly got up, put my phone away and flushed the toilet. Within seconds I was there in front of the sink, furiously pumping the hand sanitiser for all it was worth. It’s then that I felt the hairs standing up on the back of my neck and looked up at the mirror in front of me.

There, in the reflection is the dude that was next to me, still sat on the toilet with his pants around his ankles with the door wide open. All I could do was stare as a poop-eating grin spread across his face as he smiled and said “Sorry” before standing up to close the door with his cock and balls on full display for good measure.

I later spotted the same dude a couple of times around the store. He worked in the photo processing department and always seemed to be wearing the same white lab coat, thickly framed black glasses and blue silicon gloves. The guy literally looked like a murderer. I even caught sight of him bringing his own cutlery into the staff canteen to eat his lunch.

As far as I’m concerned, that counts as carrying a knife and I’m certain the bloke will end up murdering someone one day. Fortunately for me, I left a month or so later. These days I avoid public toilets.